I know it's January because it says so on the calender. Not because I feel like my skin is missing, or I am jumpy or weepy. I am none of those things. I am none of those things!!
I don't know why. This is the first January in a very long time and maybe the first since my mom passed that I don't feel... bad. I feel good. I do not mind the cold, not even the polar vortex. I don't mind the dark afternoons, the gray skies and roads, the brown trees and lawns.
Could it be the green smoothies I have been making every days since November rolled around? Maybe. Maybe, I have inadvertently balanced some chemicals in my brain with the power of green goodness. Maybe I had some vitamin deficiency.
Could I have healed something with my Reiki training? I think it's entirely possible. I did have a pretty intense healing experience last Spring. Maybe all those healing sessions I received and gave actually fixed something that was a little broken. Because I was hoping it would.
Maybe it's because I have been working on applying to Graduate School and am imagining myself in school in the Fall, with a purpose. With a goal, achieving something, something for myself. Imagining myself being a useful and valuable human being in the world at large. A bigger world than my home. All things seem possible and I feel like new things are on their way. And this feels like relief. It feels like hope and adventure and pride.
I have not thought any more or less often of my mother this January than I normally would. I expected January would be difficult, as usual. I have not focused on it but have been aware that the usual January sadness could settle down on me like the fall of dark feathers it can be. Slowly drifting down, like ash, so light and unavoidable, sticking to me and my clothes, my hair. Like a campfire smell. Grief, following me around. But it hasn't.
Sort of like a suspense film, I am a little nervous to look behind me. I was nervous to come here, to my blog, like I would wake a sleeping dog. A mean dog. I have had a few moments where my mother has come to mind and I felt a twinge of sadness, some grief or heartache and have thought, "Up, there it is. Here it comes." Along with a slightly panicked thought to "Look away! Look away!" Feeling a little anxious and at the same time resigned to whatever would be. But those moments have passed. Huh.
What has happened?
I am thankful, for whatever it is. I'll take it. Even if the grief bus pulls up to my house tomorrow and all those grief clowns come in my house and start eating my food and sitting in all the comfortable places, I'll be glad I had half a January feeling free. And happy. Hi, January. It's been a while.
I don't know why. This is the first January in a very long time and maybe the first since my mom passed that I don't feel... bad. I feel good. I do not mind the cold, not even the polar vortex. I don't mind the dark afternoons, the gray skies and roads, the brown trees and lawns.
Could it be the green smoothies I have been making every days since November rolled around? Maybe. Maybe, I have inadvertently balanced some chemicals in my brain with the power of green goodness. Maybe I had some vitamin deficiency.
Could I have healed something with my Reiki training? I think it's entirely possible. I did have a pretty intense healing experience last Spring. Maybe all those healing sessions I received and gave actually fixed something that was a little broken. Because I was hoping it would.
Maybe it's because I have been working on applying to Graduate School and am imagining myself in school in the Fall, with a purpose. With a goal, achieving something, something for myself. Imagining myself being a useful and valuable human being in the world at large. A bigger world than my home. All things seem possible and I feel like new things are on their way. And this feels like relief. It feels like hope and adventure and pride.
I have not thought any more or less often of my mother this January than I normally would. I expected January would be difficult, as usual. I have not focused on it but have been aware that the usual January sadness could settle down on me like the fall of dark feathers it can be. Slowly drifting down, like ash, so light and unavoidable, sticking to me and my clothes, my hair. Like a campfire smell. Grief, following me around. But it hasn't.
Sort of like a suspense film, I am a little nervous to look behind me. I was nervous to come here, to my blog, like I would wake a sleeping dog. A mean dog. I have had a few moments where my mother has come to mind and I felt a twinge of sadness, some grief or heartache and have thought, "Up, there it is. Here it comes." Along with a slightly panicked thought to "Look away! Look away!" Feeling a little anxious and at the same time resigned to whatever would be. But those moments have passed. Huh.
What has happened?
I am thankful, for whatever it is. I'll take it. Even if the grief bus pulls up to my house tomorrow and all those grief clowns come in my house and start eating my food and sitting in all the comfortable places, I'll be glad I had half a January feeling free. And happy. Hi, January. It's been a while.
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