Placing a call.

 It is February now. Thankful January is over. Another January come and gone. I am so glad I decided to write and to share these things with you. And I can't tell you how grateful I am to you for reading some or all of what I have written. It has helped tremendously and I have felt supported and held when I needed it, so thank you.
  I suppose I will write more when I need to. This blog will be here as a place for me to visit to lay down memories that feel too heavy to carry by myself or just to shake those pebbles out of my shoes now and then.
 I want to tell you about something that is coming up. Before I started writing this blog, I was feeling pretty awful and sort of hitting a wall around "mom stuff". I could not shake the feeling that if I could just make contact with her in some way, I would be relieved of some of this... feeling of a sort of void that exists. This feeling as if she hasn't spoken to me in 16 years because we had a fight.
 I decided to make an appointment with a medium. I saw him on TV a few years ago. On an episode of MTV's True Life. It was one about young people with paranormal abilities. His name is Christopher Allan. He is on Long Island. Years ago, when I saw him, I thought, I want to go see him. But for whatever reason, didn't do it until now. When I got up the nerve to call, I thought he'd have a secretary or a voice mail but he answered the phone himself with a simple, "Hello?" It threw me so off balance. He caught me completely off guard. I made the appointment with him and when I hung up I felt shaken. I had just been on the phone with someone who could talk to my mother. I felt angry that here is this guy, who can talk to my mother and I can't. And also it felt like talking on the phone with someone that holds all the secrets to life and death, about an appointment. And then hanging up. The appointment was over a month away.
 I thought about asking my oldest friend, who I've known since we were three to come with me. Her mom died a few years after my mom from Cancer also. And they were very close too. I sent her an email. She did not seem so sure about it.
 The next week I had a bizarre instant message conversation with her that turned into a phone call. She told me an amazing story. Her cousin had been to a theatre setting to see a famous psychic. My friend was not there herself and was only told this story a week after the fact. This psychic medium comes out on stage and the first thing he does is ask for my friend by name, her full maiden name which is a very unusual name. Then he adds her married name. Then adds the name of the town where she lives and that she lives on a winery. Her cousin finally stands up and says, "That's my cousin." So he says, "Tell her that her mother really wants to talk to her."
 I have never heard of anything like that in my life. I believe in this stuff, I really do. And I thought, that is what I'm talking about! Where is MY mother? My friend was not sure what to do with this information and has not tried to contact her mom. Not yet anyway. I am afraid her mom will show up at my meeting with Christopher to give my friend a message and my mom won't show at all.
 I am worried my mom won't show at all. Or worse, she will show and she'll have nothing to say to me. Or something awful to say. Or something totally inane and uninteresting like "I am fine. I love you." And then she'll be gone and I'll be stuck staring at this guy, Christopher, the medium twiddling my thumbs. Or a combination of the very short message from my mom followed by a long one from my friend's mom. I am nervous.
 Very nervous.
 I am thinking about things that he could say that would actually make me believe it is her "coming through" or whatever the terminology is. "Yes it was me who made that paper back copy of Moby Dick fall off your night table." "Yes it was me who knocked my photo off the windowsill when you were watching that french film about the little girl who's mother dies." "Yes, I was talking through the crow." "I was the swan." "I read your blog."
 I went to a medium shortly after my mom died. It was pretty bad. It was a woman in Queens or something. I went alone. I don't remember where I got her name. She said nothing specific. I left feeling worse.
 So Tuesday is my appointment. I am driving down to Long Island with Desmond and staying with Maureen and Howie. Maureen will watch Desmond while I go. I don't know what will happen. I am not sure if it will be helpful. I hope it is. I hope it feels like I am actually talking with my mom after 16 years. I hope I can get a sense of where she is and what she is doing there. If she is around me or not. If I will see her again or not. If she sees and loves Desmond. What she thinks of Joseph. If she wants me to tell  my sister anything for her. If she is with her mom. I don't know. So many things I'd like to know.  If she is mad at me. Why I keep dreaming that she is.
 I wanted to tell you I am going. And I want to tell you what happens. Because I don't really want to feel like I am alone on the trip. I want to report back to you.  Wish me luck.